


words i wanted to say

by jisungist



Category: JBJ (Band), Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: Confessions, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-27 11:31:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14424495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jisungist/pseuds/jisungist
Summary: Yongguk calls him on a chilly Saturday night to let him know that he’s coming over, and butterflies spring up in his chest, unbridled.It's so sudden—Shihyun is usually the one trying to meet up with him whenever they have a bit of free time—but it's a sign, Shihyun knows.He'll keep his hopes up.





	words i wanted to say

**Author's Note:**

> i started this fic in august and it's come a long way, there's been a lot of things that made me want to stop writing it but i finally finally finished, so i hope you guys enjoy this. i love jbj and i miss yongshi so much
> 
> title is from stay here by longguo&shihyun

Shihyun knows everybody knows.

He doesn't try to hide (can't hide) his feelings for Yongguk, not when they spend almost every waking moment together, not when Yongguk is beautiful enough to rip Shihyun’s breath from his lungs whenever they lock eyes. 

So, yes, everyone knows Shihyun is in love. The stylists know because they teased him about it when they were doing his makeup, and he blushed so much that the pink being dusted onto his cheeks was nothing compared to the cherry red that bloomed there. The manager knows because of how Shihyun had fought tooth and nail against his illness just in case Yongguk was eliminated and needed someone to come home to and the fans know because whenever Yongguk is looking at the camera, Shihyun is always looking at him. 

The cats know because the cats know everything. 

(Shihyun knows that it's only a matter of time before Yongguk finds out too, but he doesn't want to think about that.)

They film their first ever music video in a dark warehouse for twenty four hours straight. The perfectly tailored suit that Shihyun is wearing gets sweaty and uncomfortable by hour six, and by hour eighteen, he's on his fourth cup of coffee and falling asleep on Yongguk’s shoulder when they're allowed a twenty minute break. Yongguk, who usually rejects any kind of physical contact that Shihyun attempts to give him, is too exhausted to care.  

The filming finally wraps up at around ten in the morning and they bow hastily to the staff before heading to the manager’s car. 

“Let's get tangsuyuk,” Yongguk suggests, yawning and stretching like a cat next to Shihyun in the back seat. His words are slurred with sleepiness. Soon, they find out that the staff had already ordered chicken, but Shihyun realizes that he's too tired to eat when the manager stops at the restaurant and brings the food back to the car. 

Yongguk devours the meat while Shihyun tries to force himself to nap, but the signs of an oncoming headache pulse painfully in the back of his skull, preventing him from feeling relaxed. 

“Shihyun,” Yongguk says, nudging him lightly and motioning towards the food.

“Tired,” Shihyun whispers, shifting to try to find a comfortable position. They still have twenty minutes until they get home and Shihyun is not wasting any potential time for rest. 

“Shihyun,” Yongguk repeats. He curls his hand around Shihyun’s wrist and tugs the other boy towards him. Shihyun just groans and shuts his eyes tighter.

“Later,” he says and he feels Yongguk give up and go back to his own meal. The darkness under Shihyun's eyelids does nothing to make him fall asleep, but he fakes it until they reach the dorms anyway. 

“We’re here,” Yongguk says quietly and Shihyun jolts at the sudden words. “I can tell that you're not asleep, you know.”

Shihyun opens his eyes and fixes a glare on Yongguk who just smiles. Shihyun pouts as the manager unlocks the door and Yongguk slips out of the door. Shihyun’s legs feel weak at the knees from exhaustion but he manages to stumble out into the morning sunlight.

Yongguk unlocks the door to their dorm and immediately finds the cats, both curled up next to each other on their single sofa. He coos quietly to them and kisses their heads, and Shihyun has the urge to avert his eyes. Watching Yongguk with Tolbi and Rcy sometimes reminds him of seeing a moment between a mother and her children, too tender for foreign eyes. 

It almost makes Shihyun feel left out. He never thought it was possible to be jealous of a cat. 

He's too tired to change out of the loose clothes he’d worn to the filming, so he heads straight to bed, leaving Yongguk with the kittens. The sleeping pills he’d been prescribed a few months ago are on the dresser where he’d left them a few nights ago, and he unscrews the lid and takes one, swallowing deliberately. 

With the medicine, Shihyun doesn't dream about him. With it, Shihyun doesn't have to wait to listen for Yongguk’s calm and steady breaths from the other room to fall asleep.  

Shihyun curls up under his covers, pulling them over his head and closing his eyes. He's so tired, and it's times like these that he wonders if the life of an idol is for him. He’s nineteen years old and tired and he never knows for sure if he’ll make it, if the small achievements of every day will wash away with the rise of another sun. 

He never knows how different things will be when he gets up in the morning. 

* * *

 

When Shihyun wakes, his throat is on fire. 

He learns from Yongguk that he's been asleep for over fourteen hours, and the older boy spends the hours between midnight to two arguing with a manager in rapid fire Chinese while trying to cool Shihyun’s skyrocketing temperature with damp towels.

For what seems like days, Shihyun spills in and out of consciousness. In his dreams, he's back in the Produce 101 dorms, tired and alone. The staff used to let Yongguk visit Shihyun’s room on the worst days, and sometimes he’d wake up with Yongguk asleep on a chair next to his bed, Yongguk’s hand laced in Shihyun’s own or tangled in Shihyun’s hair. 

In his dreams, he's back in Jeju, and this time, he really is alone. The only people he talked to during those few weeks were the lady next door who cooked for him when he was too sick to get out of bed and the doctor who he went to for check ups.

Jeju was peaceful and the air was “good for the soul” like everyone had told him. He called his mother once every day and ate dinner out on the porch of his house and tried not to think of Yongguk, who was stressed and sleep deprived and trying to last another day on the show. 

He tried not to think about how lonely he was without him. 

In his dreams, he's tired and alone and Yongguk is always in the peripheral, but never close enough, never close enough to be there for him. 

He wakes up with a start when he feels a hand press against his forehead. He’s too tired to jerk away from the touch but Yongguk removes his hand when he sees Shihyun’s eyes open. 

“Good morning,” Yongguk greets and Shihyun’s sure his fevered brain is imagining the breathlessness of his voice.

“Good morning,” Shihyun replies but it comes out more like a dry croak and he winces. He tilts his head to the left to see Yongguk, who’s unscrewing the cap of bottle of water. 

“Can you sit up?” Yongguk asks and he helps Shihyun prop himself up against the bed frame, his pillow behind him. Yongguk is looking nowhere but at Shihyun’s face but Shihyun tries not to meet his gaze. 

“Here, drink,” Yongguk says and tilts the bottle of water to Shihyun’s lips. It's difficult, really, to drink like that but Shihyun kind of likes it when Yongguk takes care of him, so he lets Yongguk help him take little sips of water. When a stream of water spills down Shihyun’s chin, Yongguk doesn't hesitate a second before grabbing a towel and dabbing the water away. 

Despite the fact that Shihyun feels so sick that he might die, it's nice. It's nice. 

“You're being especially kind today,” Shihyun comments quietly, careful not to strain his voice. Yongguk’s face twists into something almost uncomfortable.

“I made soup,” Yongguk says instead of answering, and he puts the water bottle down to gingerly pick up the ceramic bowl on the nightstand.

Shihyun shakes his head. “It's okay, I'm not hungry.”

“You haven't eaten a proper meal in almost two days,” Yongguk points out, and he's right, but Shihyun's stomach is empty with something other than hunger. 

“Did our schedule get cancelled?” Shihyun asks and Yongguk nods, focused on stirring the soup with a spoon. “Sorry for making you go to the trouble,” he continues. 

Yongguk shrugs. “I'm supposed to look out for you.” 

So, Shihyun gives in, like always, letting Yongguk spoon feed him, and as embarrassing as it is, it's kind of nice. Yongguk never makes him feel sick or weak, even though that's what he knows he is. There's a reason he couldn't make it through the first few weeks of Produce 101 and there's a reason that he couldn't make it through a shoot that Yongguk got through with ease. As he thinks it, a crawling feeling runs through his spine; he’d always hated being upset about something that he couldn't control.

“Don’t look so miserable,” Yongguk says suddenly. “You'll get better,” he reassures and the part of Shihyun’s brain that isn't feverish and panicked knows that Yongguk isn't trying to be patronizing, but a sudden wave of bitterness flows over him anyway. 

“Because you're such a ray of sunshine all the time,” Shihyun replies sarcastically, and immediately regrets it when he sees a flash of hurt fall over Yongguk’s face. It’s gone just as quickly, replaced with Yongguk’s emotionless stare. 

But Shihyun knows Yongguk well enough to read the blankness in his eyes. “I'm sorry,” he says quickly, and instinctively reaches out to touch Yongguk’s hand. Yongguk flinches and pulls away, and Shihyun drops his eyes into his lap. “I didn't mean that.” 

Shihyun hears Yongguk sigh slightly. “It's okay,” he says, but Shihyun knows that it isn't. 

(Sometimes Shihyun thinks that Yongguk doesn't feel like the rest of them, but then he remembers Produce 101 and Yongguk’s elimination and he remembers, he remembers.)

“I'm just tired,” Shihyun clarifies, “of being fragile.” 

Yongguk doesn't reply, just scrapes the last drops of soup from the bowl and pressing the spoon to Shihyun’s lips. Shihyun swallows the liquid past the lump in his throat, and leans back onto the pillow. Exhaustion is cloaking him once again, and he's giving up on holding on to the tiny ledge that Yongguk is giving him. 

He's tired of being fragile, tired of trying to be strong.

Yongguk looks up. Shihyun barely catches the confused look in Yongguk’s eyes before he hears the latter say, “Who said you were fragile?” 

_ What? _ , Shihyun wants to ask, but he's tired and losing consciousness. His eyes slip closed, not of his own accord. Yet still, as darkness overwhelms him, he feels one more thing and it's—

* * *

It takes Shihyun another two days to get over the fever, and then they're back in the swing of things. He still isn't sure whether he dreamed up the ghost of a kiss that he’d felt on his forehead but he doesn't say anything and Yongguk doesn't say anything either, so, like most things, Shihyun lets it go.

But when the music video is released and they start promotions, everything changes. 

Shihyun is tasked with giving copies of their albums to their seniors while Yongguk wanders around pretending to be confused even though he's the one out of the two of them who's been on a music show before. 

He's left with a single album in his hands when someone—clearly an idol—turns the corner in front of him. On instinct, Shihyun bows and goes to introduce himself, but before he can finish, he hears a familiar voice. 

“Shihyun?” it asks and Shihyun snaps his head up to see Noh Taehyun in all his Hotshot glory standing in front of him. 

“Taehyun-hyung?” Shihyun replies uncertainly, not exactly sure what to call him, but Taehyun doesn't seem to mind anyway. 

“It's nice to see you,” Taehyun greets warmly and Shihyun smiles. He obviously isn't close with Taehyun, but Taehyun probably knows Yongguk better than anyone besides Shihyun himself, so Shihyun knows he's trustworthy. 

“Yeah, it's nice to see you too,” Shihyun replies, and then practically forces the last album into Taehyun’s hands. “Please listen to it,” he urges and Taehyun laughs. 

“Sure, kid,” Taehyun says and looks down at the cover picture. “How's Yongguk treating you then?” Shihyun just shrugs and Taehyun gives him a cryptic smile in return. “Take advantage of how much he likes you,” he teases and Shihyun knows it's a joke, but he blushes hard anyway. 

Taehyun’s eyebrow goes up. “Oh,” he says knowingly.

Shihyun groans and puts his head in his hands. “Please, don't.” 

The older boy takes a good few seconds to laugh at Shihyun's misery and then pats him on the shoulder. “Don't sell yourself short, kid,” he says wisely and it's weirdly reassuring. 

(If Shihyun hadn't been so busy voting for Yongguk, he probably would have voted for Taehyun too.) 

“Stop harassing him,” a voice calls and Shihyun startles when Yongguk seems to appear out of thin air. Yongguk peers over at Taehyun suspiciously, who steps back and shrugs. “What were you talking about anyway?” he asks and Taehyun grins. 

“We were just talking about how much of a bastard you are,” Taehyun snarks and Yongguk rolls his eyes. 

“Don't corrupt him,” Yongguk replies and Shihyun snorts as Yongguk wraps his arm around Shihyun’s shoulders. 

“Taehyun-hyung’s nicer than you,” Shihyun pipes up and Yongguk looks at him, affronted, while Taehyun cackles. 

Someone calls Taehyun’s name, head popping around the corner. It's another member of Hotshot and he motions for Taehyun to come back with him.

“I have to go but I'll see you soon,” Taehyun says to Yongguk and then nods a farewell to Shihyun before disappearing.

And then Shihyun remembers. Sometimes he's so caught up in Yongguk that he forgets everyone else exists, that he forgets that Yongguk is going to leave. 

The performance goes well. Shihyun doesn't let the discomfort in his stomach disrupt his singing and when their fans shout and clap in excitement, he almost doesn't feel it all. 

Then, they're standing on stage for the ending of the show and Yongguk is shoulder to shoulder with Taehyun, laughing softly about a joke he’d made, and it's back again.

The drive to their fansign venue is a half an hour long and Shihyun’s nerves are too jittery for him to rest. Yongguk, however, seems calm and composed like always. 

“You know,” Shihyun starts, keeping his voice quiet. “I'm glad that you made close friends on the show. I'm happy for you.” 

That's not really what he meant to say, but it comes out anyway. Yongguk smiles a tiny bit amusedly and tilts his head.  “Thank you,” Yongguk says simply. 

They sit in silence for a few minutes, Shihyun staring out the window and Yongguk fiddling with his cellphone. 

“Don't worry,” Yongguk says suddenly. “You're still the one I’ve known the longest.” 

Shihyun swallows down the lump in his throat. 

* * *

The morning that Yongguk is set to move out of their dorm, he doesn’t stop singing. He belts in the shower, hums while cooking breakfast, and whistles a tune when they’re packing his bags into the car.

If Shihyun didn’t know better, he would think that Yongguk was happy to leave him.

(Maybe he doesn’t know better.) 

When Yongguk’s going through the process of getting the cats into their carrier, Shihyun flits worriedly around the dorm, thumbing through the clothes that Yongguk had left behind. There’s a sweater still in the closet that Shihyun sometimes wears when Yongguk isn’t around.

Shihyun hears the front door swing open and he trips over his own feet trying to get there. Tolbi and Rcy are asleep in the carrier that Yongguk is gingerly carrying. 

“You can’t leave one thing for me, huh?” Shihyun jokes and smiles gently, even though it’s not all that funny. He’ll miss the cats almost as much as he’ll miss Yongguk. 

Yongguk frowns a little bit, and Shihyun tries not to flinch. “I’ll see you,” Yongguk says and he looks so lost for words that it makes Shihyun want to talk to fill the silence. 

But the silence will stay, as long as Yongguk is gone. Yongguk is like an autumn breeze, whistling warm and bright, compared to the chilly stinging wind of the winter. 

It’s barely September, but Shihyun feels cold. “Yeah,” Shihyun replies. “I’ll see you too.”  

When Yongguk turns to walk to the car, Shihyun feels like winter’s already on its way. 

(Luckily, he has a sweater in the closet waiting for him.)

* * *

From then on, the days are quiet.

Shihyun spends too much time talking to himself and too little time talking to his friend Woo Jinyoung, who’s scheduled to go on another survival show. 

Shihyun spends too much time worrying about Yongguk and too little time worrying about himself, but the company is finding things for him to do while he’s not promoting, and it keeps his loneliness from turning into something he can’t control. 

He takes a flight alone and wonders what it would be like to have Yongguk with him, his voice replacing Shihyun’s music. When JBJ debuts, Shihyun shares their songs on his radio show, and hopes that Yongguk can hear it.

In this way, it goes from September to October to November before Shihyun even has a chance to breathe it all in. 

Yongguk calls him on a chilly Saturday night to let him know that he’s coming over, and butterflies spring up in his chest, unbridled. 

It's so sudden—Shihyun is usually the one trying to meet up with him whenever they have a bit of free time—but it's a sign, Shihyun knows. 

He'll keep his hopes up. 

The doorbell rings an hour later and Shihyun checks his hair hurriedly in the mirror before rushing to the door. 

“Hey,” he greets, a little breathlessly, swinging it open to reveal Yongguk. He’s holding a bag that looks like takeout, and Shihyun winces. 

“I made food,” Shihyun says. Yongguk shrugs. 

“We can eat both,” Yongguk replies, which Shihyun knows is likely true. 

They eat quietly, cross legged on the carpet of their living room. Shihyun talks a little about what he has been doing while Yongguk nods along.

“It’s nice to be back,” Yongguk says after Shihyun’s done, and it makes Shihyun blush. Something feels like it's blooming in his chest and Shihyun wonders how just one person can make him feel like this—like there's nothing in the world that will ever compare.

“Hey,” Shihyun says, quietly, and Yongguk looks up from his dinner.  _ I missed you  _ is what he wants to say but the words get choked up somewhere in his throat. 

“I'm really glad I debuted with you, hyung,” is what comes out instead and, well, that's better than nothing at all.

Yongguk smiles in response and reaches forward to rest his hand on Shihyun’s knee, gentle and comforting. “Me too,” is his reply and, well, that’s better than nothing at all.

* * *

It’s one of those rare nights when Yongguk calls him first. “You know, our contract might get extended,” he starts conversationally and, yeah, Shihyun knows.

“Good for you,” Shihyun replies, but his voice sounds flat. In truth, Shihyun doesn’t really know how he feels about it. There’s words bubbling in his throat but he clamps them down.

“Sure,” Yongguk says. “Good for us.” His voice sounds edged with bitterness, and Shihyun’s not sure why.

“Are you happy about it?” he asks and he thinks Yongguk is probably shrugging. 

“I don’t know,” Yongguk says. “There’s still no hope that—” he cuts himself off. “I mean, there’s other stuff for all of us to go back to,” he finishes, and Shihyun can guess what he’s trying to say.

“I’m fine alone,” Shihyun says, answering a question that hadn’t even been asked. 

“I know,” Yongguk replies, “but I’m not.” The confession is so muted, so quiet that Shihyun almost thinks he imagined it.

“Why?” Shihyun asks instinctively and then flinches when he hears himself. “I mean, you’re not lonely.” 

Yongguk laughs, and it’s in a odd way that makes worry curl around Shihyun’s spine.“You’re the friend I’ve had the longest. Am I not allowed to miss that?” 

“No,” Shihyun replies, “You’ve just never said anything like that before,” he clarifies, and it’s true. In the time that they’ve known each other, Shihyun can only think of one or two times that Yongguk has opened up to him, and knowing what’s going on in Yongguk’s head instead of having to make a wild guess is a new thing for him. 

“I’ve kind of just thought that—” Shihyun continues, but he cuts himself off. He’s not sure if he wants to say what’s on his mind, but Yongguk beats him to it. 

“Thought what?” Yongguk asks and Shihyun bites his lip nervously. 

“I guess I just thought you liked being with them better,” he says, and at this, there’s a long pause from the other end of the line and Shihyun’s heart jumps to his throat. “I mean, you always look so…” he starts in an effort to diffuse the tension, but immediately regrets it. 

“I always look so what?” Yongguk echoes his earlier question, his voice completely even, and Shihyun wishes that he was with Yongguk right now. He’s always so hard to read when Shihyun can’t look him in the eyes.

“Shihyun,” Yongguk says. “Tell me.”

So Shihyun does, all at once. It’s thoughts that have been plaguing him for way too long, thoughts that bloomed in the darkest of nights and never decided to leave.

“You look so happy,” Shihyun says. He’s not sure when he became so desperate, but now he can’t stop. “Don’t get me wrong, all I want is to see you happy. I’m proud of you and I’m so glad that you can get what you can’t get from me but sometimes I wish—” He swallows past the lump in his throat. “Sometimes I just wish I could give you what you want, too.”

Shihyun hears Yongguk suck in a breath. “I don’t understand,” he says. Shihyun ignores the feelings rising in his throat and waits for a second for his heartbeat to slow down. 

“I know,” Shihyun starts slowly, “that you wanted more. I know that you weren’t satisfied with your rank on the show. I know that you weren’t satisfied when you were promoting with me. I know that you want more and I know JBJ gives you that.” 

Yongguk doesn’t reply immediately and anxiety crawls under Shihyun’s skin. “I’m not blaming you for it,” Shihyun says. “I understand why I’m not enough for you, I just—”

“You’re right,” Yongguk interrupts, and the sudden strength of his voice takes Shihyun by surprise. ”You’re right,” he repeats. “I wish I had won Produce 101. I wish that our promotions had been more successful. I wish that JBJ could last forever,” he says. “I wish for a lot of things.”

The asphyxiating feeling in his chest renders Shihyun’s voice useless. He doesn’t know what Yongguk’s trying to say, but it feels like heartbreak, until Yongguk speaks again.

“I wish,” he says, “that you wouldn’t look down on yourself. I wish you knew that, yeah, I want some things, but I wouldn’t want them if it meant that I wouldn’t have you.”

Then it’s quiet on the other end of the line. 

“Oh,” Shihyun replies after a few moments. His voice is pitched high and the tightness in his chest feels different. 

“I know I’m pretty terrible with feelings,” Yongguk says, “but you’re more than enough.”

“That’s—” Shihyun starts and then clears his throat. “I mean, thanks. You’re not so bad yourself.”

Yongguk laughs and it’s the most beautiful sound that Shihyun has ever heard. “Thank you,” he replies, and then there's someone calling his name in the background. He sighs, staticky over the line. “Have a good night, Shihyun.”

“Sleep well,” Shihyun squeaks and ends the call with fumbling fingers. His heart is pounding a mile a minute in his chest but, for once, he falls asleep easy. 

* * *

It’s late December, and Yongguk meets Shihyun in the coffee shop two blocks down from the dorm. He’s wearing a long coat and a thick scarf is wrapped around the lower half of his face and he looks  _ cute _ , so Shihyun laughs. Yongguk pulls the scarf down to reveal a frown.

“Leave me alone,” Yongguk complains, taking a seat across from Shihyun. “You’re the one who’s wearing my sweater.”

Shihyun looks down at his hands, which are covered by too long sleeves, and he puts them over his face to hide the blush that inevitably forms on his cheeks. “You’re the one who left it in the dorm,” he replies and Yongguk smiles. 

When Yongguk goes to the counter to order their coffee, Shihyun’s left trying not to think about how much this feels like a date.

“You know,” Yongguk says when he comes back with their drinks, “if I really  _ was  _ famous, someone would have recognized me here.” 

Shihyun snorts. “There’s the silver lining.” In his own opinion, Yongguk being spotted here would probably not be a good thing, especially because this  _ really _ looks like a date. 

Shihyun tries not to think about it. 

“Are you nervous?” Shihyun asks, taking a sip of his drink. JBJ’s first comeback is in a few weeks but Yongguk just shrugs. 

“I don’t know,” he says. “Should I be?” 

“You usually aren’t,” Shihyun points out. 

“I was terrified when we debuted,” Yongguk confesses and Shihyun grins. 

“You hid it well,” Shihyun says. 

“I would have been more scared if I were alone,” Yongguk replies. Shihyun tries very hard to not think about feelings.  

But then Yongguk buys him a slice of chocolate cake, and all bets are off. 

“I love you, hyung,” Shihyun says seriously. Yongguk just smiles, and even though he claims to not like sweet things, he eats the bite of cake that Shihyun offers him.

“It's snowing,” Yongguk points out, voice quiet, when Shihyun’s finished eating. “I'll walk you back,” he offers. 

Shihyun shrugs. “It's not that far,” he says but Yongguk’s already pulling on his coat and his scarf and Shihyun knows that there's no point fighting it. He wants it, anyway. He wants to drink in every second that he can spend with Yongguk before he leaves again. 

Outside, snowflakes cling to Yongguk’s eyelashes like sugar crystals. Shihyun tucks his hands tucked into his pockets, head low to avoid the flurries. At the crosswalk, the light blinks from red to green and Yongguk grabs Shihyun's hand to pull him back from the road as cars speed by them. 

When they cross the street, Yongguk doesn't let go, and Shihyun breathes in before squeezing his fingers tighter around Yongguk’s hand. Yongguk doesn't miss a beat. 

It's at times like this that he's grateful for Taehyun and Kenta and Donghan and all of Yongguk’s friends who were there for him when Shihyun couldn't be, who helped Yongguk break out of his shell. 

It's at times like this that he wonders if Yongguk feels the same way that he does. Recently, Shihyun’s been reading too much into their texts, spending too long staring at the heart emoji that Yongguk had used as a reply to Shihyun’s good luck message.

When they're finally at Shihyun’s doorstep, the wind is picking up and snowflakes bite against Shihyun’s cheeks. “Come inside,” Shihyun offers. 

As if Yongguk had been planning to leave in the first place. 

There's a sort of comfort in the fact that there are two pairs of shoes lined up next to the doormat again and that Yongguk is the one finding the light switch in the dark. Shihyun hangs their winter coats side by side in the closet and Yongguk sinks into the couch like he was made to be there.

“Are you going to stay over tonight?” Shihyun asks, toeing off his socks and joining Yongguk on the couch. Yongguk just shrugs, looking down at his phone.

“I’ll have to call,” Yongguk says. “I’ll probably be allowed, the weather’s pretty bad.” 

“Then call,” Shihyun replies, although he doesn’t think the weather’s bad at all, especially if he gets to spend a few hours more with Yongguk by his side. 

Yongguk just sighs and taps around on his phone screen until it starts playing an episode of a Chinese drama. Yongguk holds out the phone so Shihyun can read off the subtitles, but after a while, Shihyun gets tired of squinting at the tiny letters and closes his eyes, leaning his head on Yongguk’s shoulder.

It doesn’t take long for him to doze off, but he wakes up easily when Yongguk shifts under him, lowering his head onto the couch cushion and getting up. He hears the distinct sound of a phone call, and then Yongguk’s clear laugh. 

“Okay, Donghan, I get it,” he says. “Yeah, I’m with Shihyun so—” he cuts himself off midway and even Shihyun can hear the chaos that erupts on the other side of the line. “Can you guys shut up?” Yongguk complains. “I’m not going to do that.” 

Shihyun takes that opportunity to open his eyes, sitting up and stretching his arms out above his head. “Do what?” he asks and Yongguk turns to face him lightning quick.

“Nothing,” he says, and then: “Hyung, I wasn’t  _ talking _ to you.” 

Shihyun can't help but laugh, and Yongguk scowls. 

“I’m hanging up, I hate you all,” Yongguk announces into his phone and then proceeds to do so, dropping his phone on the nearest flat surface.

“Sorry,” Yongguk says as Shihyun watches amusedly. “They’re just weird.”

“And you’re not?” Shihyun replies, swinging his legs off the couch and standing up. 

“At least I’m not obnoxious,” Yongguk grumbles, and maybe it’s just because he’s still half asleep but Shihyun feels a rush of affection for Yongguk, warmth running up from the tips of his toes to his ears. 

“Keep telling yourself that,” Shihyun jokes and Yongguk rolls his eyes. 

Not for the first time, Shihyun’s chest is burning with the urge to confess. Sometimes, in the few instances that he forgets about his own shortcomings, he thinks that Yongguk might feel the same way that he does. 

There’s nothing special about the situation they’re in right now; it’s Yongguk running his hands through his hair, Shihyun watching him, Yongguk making his way into the kitchen, Shihyun watching him, Yongguk, Shihyun watching him, Yongguk. 

There’s nothing special but Shihyun loves him, always has, and it’s never been more clear than now. His future has always been speckled with unknowns, the small achievements of every day could wash away with the rise of another sun, but then there’s Yongguk. Yongguk is like spring, flighty and capricious, but every year, it comes back. Spring sunlight falls mild on your shoulders, warms your cheeks, makes you roll up the sleeves of your sweater, close your eyes, and look up. 

Yongguk is like the spring sun and he’s sitting on the countertop and drinking water out of a tall glass and there’s nothing special but Shihyun loves him. 

“What do you think you’ll do?” Shihyun asks impulsively, following Yongguk into the kitchen. 

Yongguk puts the glass of water down. “What do you mean?”

“I mean after...everything. What will you do?” Shihyun repeats. 

“As if I really have a choice,” Yongguk replies and Shihyun snorts. He’s right, of course. They can’t do anything the company won’t let them do, and while Choon was significantly more lenient than, say, SM, there were things they wouldn’t allow either.

“What would you  _ want  _ to do, then?” Shihyun clarifies and Yongguk shrugs. 

“All I came to Korea to do is sing. As long as I get to do that, I don’t really care,” he says and Shihyun really should have known. Yongguk has always been a rather simple person. “How about you?” Yongguk continues.

Shihyun unconsciously imitates Yongguk’s shrug. “There’s a lot of things I haven’t tried yet.” He thinks he imagines the glint in Yongguk’s eyes as he grins at Shihyun, dropping down from the countertop.

“Like what?” Yongguk asks. 

_ Like kissing you _ , Shihyun’s brain unhelpfully supplies. “Like…things,” he says aloud.

“Okay,” Yongguk replies, his voice  _ far  _ too amused, and Shihyun feels his face heat up when their eyes meet. Yongguk is still smiling a little, and Shihyun wants to step closer, runs his hands through Yongguk’s dark messy hair, drown himself in Yongguk’s gaze. 

Shihyun doesn’t make impulsive decisions. He’s been keeping his feelings as subtle as possible for a year, maybe more. He’s not sure, he doesn’t remember when exactly he fell in love. Was it when he heard Yongguk sing for the first time? 

Maybe it was when Yongguk, only a trainee of a few weeks, found him crying in the practice room alone at midnight. He barely knew Shihyun at all then, but he sat down next to him anyway and wordlessly took his hand, holding it until Shihyun fell asleep on the hardwood floor. 

Maybe it was when they were told that they were being sent to a survival show and all Yongguk had done in response was look at Shihyun and say, “It’s okay. You have me.”

Shihyun doesn’t make many impulsive decisions—he’s too self-conscious, too unsure of himself—but Yongguk is different. Yongguk is quiet, yes, but he isn’t afraid. 

Maybe that’s why Shihyun finds the courage to step forward, reach out for Yongguk’s hand, clasp their fingers together like his life depended on it. 

“What is it?” Yongguk asks, tilting his head in confusion, but making no effort to pull away. 

Shihyun swallows and looks at Yongguk. His eyes are soft, a bit wary, but it gives Shihyun the confidence to not let go. “There’s a lot of things,” he starts, “that I haven’t tried yet.” 

Right now, Shihyun knows that his affection for Yongguk is unmistakable, so he moves closer, so that their feet are touching and Shihyun only has to tip forward a few centimeters to kiss him. Yongguk hasn’t budged, but his thumb is rubbing slow comforting circles on Shihyun’s hand. Warmth fills Shihyun’s chest and he closes his eyes and leans in to rest his forehead on Yongguk’s shoulder. 

Shihyun accepted a long time ago that Yongguk would find out one day, so it’s not surprising when Yongguk whispers, “I know.” There’s no derision or disgust in his voice, just plain and simple fact. 

Nothing to make of it. Just the cloud of Shihyun’s unspoken confession hanging in the air. 

And then, Yongguk’s other hand comes up to rest on the small of Shihyun’s back. “So, try,” he says. 

In the year, maybe more, of thinking and wishing and pining, Shihyun had never really considered what it would be like if Yongguk felt the same way. Those thoughts felt like a fantasy; it’s difficult for him to distinguish between reality and imagination when it comes to Kim Yongguk but now, Yongguk’s pulse at his wrist is sure and steady under Shihyun’s fingers and it doesn’t feel like a dream.

Shihyun steps back so that Yongguk lets go and and looks up; there is a blush high on Yongguk’s cheekbones and Shihyun rests his free hand on Yongguk’s jaw, swiping his thumb over the color on Yongguk’s face. Shihyun’s always been a nervous wreck but right now, he can feel his hands shaking, so much so that his hand slips off of Yongguk’s cheek and Yongguk’s grip tightens where they’re still holding hands. 

Shihyun’s been kissed before, but never by someone that he actually loved. The thought of it is so nerve wracking that he almost pulls away completely, almost wants to run but—

“Sorry,” Yongguk says, “I’ve been waiting too long.” And he leans in to close the gap between them. 

Shihyun feels every bone in his body turn to jelly, but Yongguk is insistent with his lips and his hands on Shihyun’s hips as he tugs Shihyun closer to himself. Yongguk’s aura is intoxicating, so Shihyun lets himself be pulled in. Somewhere in his haze, he realizes that Yongguk had let go of his hand, so he takes the opportunity to curl his hands into Yongguk’s hair and kiss back hard enough to bruise. Yongguk doesn’t seem to mind though; he just takes everything Shihyun is giving him, gives everything for Shihyun to take. 

Yongguk is the one who remembers to breathe first. He pulls back so that only their noses are touching and Shihyun can’t bring himself to move away anymore.

“So,” Shihyun starts, “you like me?” 

Yongguk laughs, voice breathy. “Yeah,” he says and Shihyun marvels at how the one word makes any leftover tension in his shoulders bleed away. 

“Wow,” Shihyun replies. “Never would have thought.”

“Why not?” Yongguk asks. “You’re perfect.” 

Shihyun feels his face burn and he slips his hands out of Yongguk’s hair and shoves at his shoulders, stepping backwards. “You can’t just  _ say _ things like that!” he whines and Yongguk, for how disheveled he had become, looks far far too amused. He reaches out and tugs Shihyun forward by one of the belt loops in his jeans. When their hips knock together, Shihyun tilts his head and presses a kiss to Yongguk’s cheek. 

“Donghan’s gonna have a field day when he hears about  _ this _ ,” Yongguk mumbles under his breath and Shihyun snorts. 

“Is that what they were bothering you about on the phone?” Shihyun asks and Yongguk rolls his eyes. 

“I hate my friends,” he replies. Shihyun kisses the pout that forms on Yongguk’s lips. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever get used to this, if he’ll ever get tired of being able to kiss Yongguk, being able to touch him. 

Shihyun smiles when Yongguk pulls him even closer. “You don’t hate me,” he points out. 

“Well,” Yongguk considers. “You’re special,” he says and a flower blooms in Shihyun’s chest.  

Later, when they finally get their hands off each other and manage to make dinner, they curl up next to each other on the couch again. Shihyun tucks his feet under Yongguk’s knees for warmth and they share the plate of noodles between them. 

“You know,” Yongguk starts, “I’ve never been in a relationship before.” He seems nervous saying it; his fingers are tapping against the side of the plate and Shihyun impulsively takes Yongguk’s hand in his. 

“That’s not a problem,” Shihyun replies. Yongguk shrugs, giving no other reply, so Shihyun goes on. “It’s not like us together is a conventional thing, we’re both idols. But, if you want to be in a relationship with me,”—at this, Yongguk gives him an “are you kidding me” look and Shihyun holds in a smile—“we can make it work.”

Yongguk just hums in response, but he tightens his grip on Shihyun’s hand. It’s grounding, and Shihyun thinks that no matter what the turbulence of life throws at him, he can make it with Yongguk by his side.

“I’m kind of scared,” Yongguk admits quietly and Shihyun’s not sure of what—there’s the disbandment on the horizon, and a thousand other things for Yongguk to be afraid of. But he knows what he wants to tell Yongguk, and his reply comes easy and sincere. 

“It’s okay,” Shihyun says. “You have me.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading <3


End file.
